The Things They Don’t Tell You About Being a Parent

I became a parent almost five and a half years ago. I quickly realized the large gap that existed between my early experience of parenthood and the expectations I had internalized from family, culture and society. My mental health suffered in large part because I thought parenthood should look one way but I was having a much different experience than my unrealistic beliefs told me I should. Here were some of my distorted expectations and the truth I now know about them with five and a half years behind me. 

If I am not happy being with my baby or child 100% of the time there is something wrong with me.

There is no way you can be 100% happy with your baby or with being a parent. Parenting, like life, ebbs and flows, it is cyclical, there are moments of pure and immense joy next to moments of profound sadness and loss. Becoming a parent reinforced this lesson about life. LIfe is about everything - joy, pain, loss, boredom, sadness, contentment, grief. Life, like parenting, cycles through each of these moments giving us opportunities to experience the wide range of human emotions. 

If I need a break from my baby or child there is something also wrong with me.

Taking a break from parenting to nourish yourself is imperative. Parenting requires a tremendous amount of time, energy and patience. To do the work of parenting means that you need time for yourself to re-energize, do things you love and enjoy, and continue to embrace your identity outside of parenthood. 

My life is over as I know it and I will never get it back.

This is partially true but not as devastating as it initially seems. I experienced many feelings of grief and loss after becoming a parent. I loved my life before parenthood and I believed it was gone. It is true your life will not be the same as it was but you adapt, adjust and create a new life that is both incredibly meaningful and difficult in new ways. And, you do get parts of your old life back (especially after infancy). 

This (insert difficult baby or child phase here) is going to last forever.

Having a second child, I realized I had gained a valuable perspective from having my first child. I knew that no one phase would last forever. In fact, sometimes it doesn’t last longer than a few weeks. I had a renewed appreciation for each phase knowing it was temporary. Your children are constantly growing and changing. Having this perspective can help foster gratitude and appreciation for each moment - the good, bad and ugly. 

Everyone has a unique experience becoming a parent. Understanding our expectations and how they might be different from our experience can help move us from a place of mental distress to a place of acceptance and respect for our own path to parenthood. 

by: Jessie Beebe, LCSW